I must just not be seeing things clearly. (I highly recommend looking into how to cook with your fish encased in salt, something magical happens.). Pull up plans of Serenity and compare them to the Space Shuttle. Wendys relationship with her parents as a young girl feels ridiculously close with my relationship with my parents. honeybeenicki All of this has tended to push her (and me, to some extent) away from him. lets_be_honest I hated being around my father because it was constant criticism about my interests, which frankly, felt very personal because I was deficient for not being what he wanted. If he feels like thats going to impede their time together, then fine, youre off the hook. July 3, 2013, 1:06 am, Honestly, no matter WHAT the mom was a fan of my response would have been the same. The dad cant have it both ways being rude while demanding respect and attention. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. Now Im just boring because Im too repetitive. He(now) jokes that he and my mom missed out on the music of the 80s (and therefore dont know any of it) because they were listening to the wheels on the bus on repeat for the entire decade. Now Im crying at my desk, for some reason. My parents listened to Oldies. Another possible reason is that hes trying to save his daughter from being hurt, which is an admirable goal. Otherwise, how are kids going to learn tolaugh at themselves? And while my mom certainly cultivated my love of our mutual interests, she also encouraged me to participate in some of my dads interests, too. Encourage her to have fun with him. I think she should have given more advice for the LW about dealing with the husband and his responses to the daughter. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. The LW can do more to assist, and certainly needs to break away from the us versus him mentality (its easier said that done) but at the same time she cant force 2 other people to enjoy their time together. I would challenge anyone who would suggest that the genre is a waste of time. My mother attended maybe a handful of my softball games in the 10 years I played competitively. These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. Ross was telling me the other day that his dad took him deep sea fishing a couple times when he was younger. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. Yikes, I shouldve known better than to comment on a cult show Sorry! But I cant help but think if you were only into cheerleaders, makeup and boys, that it would have been GOOD of your stepfather to encourage you to read more, even if it meant saying something along the lines that youd regret not knowing more about the literary world or about current events. meadowphoenix I was hoping to be able to tell her that she has a grandbaby coming, but its still too early to know. But as a kid/teen, I wanted him to play. I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. That was what I meant about finding articles that the daughter would be interested in at first. I simply didnt get it.) Instead, you never know how they are going to react to a given situation. On a side note, two weekends ago I went on a family camping trip. Lastly, the article idea isnt a bad one, but hes going about it all wrong. Are they driven by some internal fear or do they just get off on the game? Other times it means standing up for yourself and telling both sides what you think. And dont EVER talk negatively about one spouse to your children. How Do You Resolve Conflict Between Your husband And Daughter? :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. Will he ever change? Liquid Luck Dad thinks Im stupid. Dad thinks Im not good enough.. This is actually not difficult. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. Spyglassez My husband goes thru their rooms & throws clothes away he doesn't like. This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. But, for example, my mom used to watch I Love Lucy and Alfred Hitchcock Presents late at night, and during the summers, Id stay up late, and I gradually developed a taste for both of them. If youre struggling to get along with your teen or adult daughter, dont hesitate to seek professional help. If your H has strong BPD traits, his child-like behavior is easy to explain because his emotional development likely is frozen at about age four. If she likes Star Trek and Firefly and he likes science they might both like going to a science museum. I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. 6napkinburger First, remember that it is normal for there to be some conflict between a parent and child. My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. Here are 16 ways husbands can unintentionally push their daughters away: It can be difficult to maintain a good relationship between your husband and your daughter, but there are a few things you can do to help. I think this is a great point. Their mind is broken, causing them to seriously overestimate their driving abilities. Placing a child in the position of having to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other parent is heinous and very damaging to the child. He then referred to it as anti-hunting shit, and we werent allowed to like it. honeybeenicki It sounds like she and her daughter just happen to share the same interests. July 3, 2013, 1:09 am, If the Mom is copying her daughters interests with such a vengeance its even more creepy. bitter_straight_lets_be_honest and your journey to the darkside shall be complete, lets_be_honest Help her get excited about the real science and history behind the fiction she enjoys. I had the same experience at college! Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. When I was a child my mom dragged me to countless art museums with my sister. I actually found her on Facebook a few years ago, lol. We think theyre awesome. It was infuriating. My dad was also much more stern, and as a shy kid, he made me sort of uncomfortable at times. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. Older and (hopefully) wiser He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. You dont always get to do the things you want and sometimes have to compromise. I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. there are people out there who dont know what This Old House is? Janet got the love and affection of a parent from the old maid who raised her. Also, at some point, the kids will leave you and then what will you do? I thought The Crucible was awful, but I definitely went to Salem this winter and got really into the witch trials and all the history there. I agree with you, again. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. I totally get it, but shes just got to snap out of it and team up with Dad. he wants to teach her to drive. July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. I agree with you to some extent. Well done, as always, my friend. Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. Is it forcing or is it parenting? The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. I was an athlete and a complete girly girl (still am), so my dad got his sports buddy and princess in one child my sister was not into sports or girly things. Of course its going to drive her away from him. Extend invitations on appropriate occasions. bittergaymark He is, however, driven and self-reliant. but this might be the best Ive ever read here. Last week she followed him home after classes again, even though his bus goes in the opposite direction to where she lives. The problem is that instead of at least tolerating her fangirling, my husband tends to disparage it, and roll his eyes. Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? Then Id tell you to keep pushing for her to spend time with you. But believe it or not, a lot of my nerdy students do like Buffy quite a few of them go to conventions, and as far as I can tell, theyre just giant nerd festivals, so its actually kind of easy to encounter something that was popular 15 years ago because where there are nerds, there is Buffy. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. Thats still not OK. Seriously, the concept of the Q is what puts me on the agnostic end of atheism. My parents werent interested in that stuff. I was struck by the fact that your husbands eye-rolling is the number one signifier of contempt an emotion that is known to signal marital unraveling and other relationship dissolution. No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. Instead, hes insisting on discussing National Geographic articles via reading assignments then criticizes her afterword in escalating arguments. July 2, 2013, 3:14 pm. , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! He is an adult and should act like one- his daughter will model her behavior off of his and what she is learning now is why bother respecting those with different interests. I forgive you!. lemongrass I strongly agree with this. I got the same vibe you did. NIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE RESPONSE, WENDY! lets_be_honest She occasionally plays them with her friends but she could care less whether she wins or loses because she doesnt care for them and so she isnt invested in the game. My father did not appreciate the pop culture stuff and always reminded me that I was smarter than this. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. If one of them moves over 100 miles away, then the arrangement changes to each meeting half way. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. We watched Space Camp WAY too many times and tried astronaut ice cream together. Hey, that kind of worked for me. The kids moved away first then the ex followed them Needless to say visits with his kids are rare. I was so annoyed! While I do agree that you should be encouraging your daughter to share your husbands interests with him (and that includes showing an interest yourself), LW, I think a lot of this falls onto your husband doing kind of a crappy job at parenting. By all accounts this 12 year old has healthy, varied, age-appropriate interests and Im not sure why dad cant serve a little honey with his vinegar. I hope that you can in the process of all this also try to strengthen your marriage, because when your daughter gets new interests in two years or doesnt want to hang out with her parents or even when she moves out of the house, your husband is going to be the one who youre left with. How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. My personal relationship with my dad was almost non-existent when I was a tween/early teen, except for those forced family moments. I do believe he is some what of a jerk with the fact that he really doesnt put any effort in to anything she likes though. I just dont get it. I was just trying to say basically the same thing, but it got all garbled. July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. (To be fair, I tried a couple of months ago when we started dating, but i couldnt understand a word during the fight scene, it was late and there was another 1.5 hours, so he turned it off so I could give it my full attention next time.) It actually kind of rocks once you get passed the first 20 mins (or watch them with subtitles). Agree i cant imagine being receptive to spending time with my dad when it consists of him mocking what my 12-year old self likes AND assigning me reading assignments. To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. Perhaps the suggestion of planning an event night or game night type of thing where each family member gets to plan one a week? Another hallmark of BPDers is having such a fragile ego that their self concept is very weak, resulting in their having extremely weak personal boundaries. Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). Its not your fault if your partner and daughter dont get along. But since we dont know which type of person the girls father is (bullying and hurtful, or rude/stubborn yet ultimately well-meaning) I think its helpful that people who had experience in this issue can comment. But I would say that Dad needs to try not to do the whole disparaging remarks thing. Parents can gaslight their children and definitely their daughters-in-law, whether they realize that's what they're doing or not. His dad was hyper critical that my boyfriend was interested in computers and cello, not hunting and fishing. So I was just assuming it happened similarly for LW and her daughter. bittergaymark Then he said he was going out to watch the game at a bar because he needed time alone, and that hed be home in a couple of hours. Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. Who knows? You know what, I thought you were going to lay in hard when I first started reading, and I was thinking to myself Oh fuck, hes going to hit on all her worst innermost thoughts and shes just going to run screaming away from DW but frankly, I think you are completely right. But I loved my dad and my mom encouraged me and sometimes when I was being a brat prodded me -into hanging out with my dad. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. WTF youre her mother not her BFF get it together and help your husband round her out! And its in your daughters interest to have a strong relationship with her dad. Too little time to post! Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. Did I love that stuff? In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. Like my sister loves Elvis, because my parents use to always listen to the Elvis hour on Sundays on the local oldies station, I didnt like Elvis then, so choose not to listen to it, I put my walkman on with Metallica, and Red Hot Chilli Peppers in it. Make it easier for him to be his best self. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. Wed do something hed want to do (touring a waste water treatment plant seriously), and then wed do something I wanted to do a couple weeks later (he took me to see Rent when I was 13!). 6napkinburger It seems way more acceptable to be a nut for sports but if you watch Buffy? Ive definitely think Ive learned more from my daughter than shes learned from me. I think I read this differently than Wendy. Did I always do things he would agree with necessarily? If he doesnt mind, that would probably be a good show of support to begin with. If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. . Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy. When I got to college and met all these kids whod been exposed to more high-brow stuff than I had, I definitely felt like I had to play catch-up to at least even have an opinion on this stuff. (There was plenty of that too, but I felt like dismissing my nerdy interests hit the hardest because I felt like science-fiction, fantasy, history, video games and books taught me a lot of personal lessons about life, loss, and persevering. Ive always found board games to be boring and so does my daughter. Keeping your cool under stress, responding as calmly as you can, and walking away when you find yourself unable to keep calm are completely within your power and help you claim the power in your home. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. But I wouldnt have done any of those things if my parents let me do what I wanted whenever I wanted. Just because you dont like Buffy and have introduced a bunch of facts that dont exist in the letter (your comment below about what the dad has been putting up with for years!?!) But it sounds like dad needs to remove the ginormous stick from his ass and let his daughter fangirl. Or else hes doing a disservice to her. I just wanted to point out that even though the LW says the dad rolls his eyes and makes comments about how their behavior annoys him, we dont know the context of that. How many parents have to watch a certain movie a million times or have to listen to a certain band on repeat. I would have been more open to doing different things if I wasnt told that there was something wrong or bad about the interests I did have. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. Honestly, it doesnt dominate my life My improv group had NO idea I was into Star Wars until it came up in a scene and my knowledge of it was rather startling to ALL involved. She may still resent her father and you! July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. Engage in any behavior that gaslights my daughter in law. Shes all the better for it. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. I never did the gross stuff either. If he hadnt put in the time when I was a kid, I doubt wed have that relationship. for making her suffer through these things she finds boring, but the resentment will be short-term and the benefits will last much longer. Meanwhile both Buffy and Firefly are all ancient history as far as teens are concerned Worse, Buffy is VERY annoying to anybody with an even vaguely high IQ. It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. I mean, people always try to paint themselves in the best possible light and their opponent in the worst. Thanks temp! A lot of them could lean into things he likes Firefly could lead into an interest in science. If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. Then she tells me she doesnt wear that anymore and how come I didnt notice? You might have started asking yourself, Is this person taunting me on purpose? I understand how you might be torn how easy it might be to embrace every second you have with her when you know all too soon, shell outgrow her fangirl stage, or at the very least, embrace additional teen-related obsessions, thereby reducing the time she cares to spend with you, and then soon after shell be leaving you and heading off for adventures of her own, away from you and her dad. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. If youre not sure how to establish or improve your bond with your daughter, here are five tips: In conclusion, it is evident that a daughter needs her fathers guidance and support, especially during her teenage years. Its also important to take into account your daughters age and stage of development. July 3, 2013, 3:26 am, You probably know this already but Meribor = Picards daughter. He. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. Asking. By myself, though. Here are 5 common ways I unintentionally pushed my husband away. And not just to me and your husband. Game of Thrones? A few years from now this guys daughter interests may have changed, but she wont be bothering to talk to him about it or anything at all, most likely. My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. So how did she find out about it? When you did actually accurately zero in once in a while, you may have thrived enough on the intermittent reinforcement to hang in for subsequent disappointing rounds. He is honest, reliable, and sincere. No, it may not be the precise thing hes interested in, but you cant just share an interest with someone by demanding it. Listen, this dad sounds exactly like my dad when I was 12, down to insisting I be more competitive, and why cant I play sports, and so on. Of course the fights will get worse as she challenges boundaries and pushes back against his authority. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. I consider myself mature and intelligent, yet Ill still watch mindless shit sometimes. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. Definitely. I know from personal experience. LW, I think encouraging your daughter to spend time with her dad is so important. I desperately wanted to be an astronaut? I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) He is clearly not getting the message. At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. When I was growing up, I always watched The Andy Grifith Show, My Three Sons, and Leave it to Beaver, because those were the shows that were on, and I love those shows, but my father didnt force me to watch them, it was just what was on TV at the time. He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. Im dying for new people to follow! He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. I think This Old House was all overbut only we know Miss Judy. No. I watched a show about what would happen if aliens were discovered, and I know there are some about how realistic certain science fiction shows are. To me, I imagined them insisting on listening to Buffy podcasts in the car Something that would make me either toss the ipod out the window or leave certain people at the curb, painted_lady my husband is mean to my daughter Iesha Mulla Iesha is a loving mother of 2 beautiful children. Um, no. Middle schoolers and initially, I tried to explain the history of the Salem witch trials as well as McCarthyism before we read the play. lets_be_honest And musicals should be revered as an art form. Older and (hopefully) wiser bittergaymark If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. I fell in love with football and cooking and baseball, which were things he loved. July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. Her mission is to share practical and realistic parenting advice to help the parenting community becoming stronger. I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. When I was a kid, I shared a lot of interests with my mom, too, and not as many with my dad. He needs to learn to be a bit more respectful of his daughters choices and to compromise which would be modeling good behavior for his child to learn. July 2, 2013, 11:05 am. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. What?! July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm. This sounds a lot like my childhood! Heck, I even had a stringer attached to my waders. Obsessed with dolls? July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. My mom and I were not friends like this, and she let my dads bullying escalate to keep the peace. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. The How I Met Your Father star welcomed her son, Luca, with ex-husband Mike Comrie in 2012. This is NO accident. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. Respect the boundaries and, as far as possible, learn to relax and take refuge on your side of the fence. 2. The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. But the dad is giving the kid homework? I can look back on those time I was forced to go mini golfing with my dad and smile, because I know how happy it made him, and I always ended up having fun, too! After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives.